Today, the world and human life are incomprehensible. Our family background, our socialization, our upbringing define us. Or not? Can we change? Can we have a change? Or do we have no chance?

Those who grew up without a mother, father carry their injuries for a lifetime. They miss the parent who left their life,  blame the one who raised them for why life turned out the way it did. They are also angry with the parent who left, but direct their anger less on him as they are afraid that he will not see him as much as before. They are afraid that if they do not behave according to expectations, he will not love them and leave forever. That’s why you prefer to forgive him almost everything, just not to loose him. And he pours his anger on the parent who lives with him, because someone has to pay for it!

But it is also sad to note the fact that those who grew up in a a “normal” family are no better off than adults. Here, the reason for the cause of anger and the question of liability is the lack of education, strictness, or the lack of strictness. Why didn’t you teach me about this or that thing, because of you I lack self-confidence, or I’m withdrawn, or I don’t have problem-solving skills, etc.

Those who are raised by a foster father or mother from a young age will typically not have a happy ending either. There are few satisfied foster children and few satisfied foster parents. Misunderstandings that have developed over the years in connection with education distance family members from each other. Statements such as “You are not my mother/father, you are not my child” also only increase the distance in the family. If the parent were to limit something, the child immediately thinks: “It’s because I’m not his child. He hates me, he just wants to push me out.” It also occurs to the parent that if he were his own, he wouldn’t behave like this with me. They would! This is a typical behavior of teenagers! Defiance, anger, pushing boundaries, opposition, I want to try everything, I’m an adult, don’t interfere with answers, all – all the characteristics of the age! Normal or foster parent, it is the same!

I have heard from many people whose parents live together that they had wished for a divorce since they were little! There were constant quarrels or drinking, life was unbearable – it could not be called a family life. There was no love, no touch, no time spent together, no program, no vacation, nothing that would have expressed family togetherness, love. Thus, children growing up in such families have no example to follow. If they are smart enough, they have a chance to become a suitable mother or a suitable father as adults. If they remember their wishes and dreams, which they never fulfilled, they might be able to give them to their children. If they are not smart enough, unfortunately they will give what they got, whether it was good for them or not, since they have no idea what they should do differently!

Those whose parents are divorced either blame the foster parent, or the problem is that if they were raised alone, there was no balance and they missed dad or mom. Growing up without a parent is difficult, there is the desire, the dream of what it would be like if there were, how life would be different, better, more beautiful, more complete. What am I missing out on not having a father/mother, how much better it is for someone who has one… and I could list similar thoughts. They compare their family life with that of the neighbor’s little girl and or girlfriend’s. From this perspective, everyone’s life  is much better!

Also,there are people whose father drinks, or even their mother, or if it can be worse, both! The child goes home every day wondering what could be at home, what is waiting for him, he is terrified, afraid, ashamed that parents might show up at school in such a state, his friends, classmates, teachers will see him, everyone will know what is going on. In this case, the child becomes lonely, he does not take anyone home,  no one invites him either. If the family travels somewhere, he is anxious as he knows that if a couple of glasses are consumed all control will be lost again. Growing up like this is terrible, childhood leaves an eternal mark. When he grows up, he will either never drink or this will be the solution to all his problems, since he has not studied or seen other examples. That’s the only way you’ll be able to relax, let things go. You still have work, maybe you will have a family, but you can’t wait to get home and consume your daily dose. Of course, it will be necessary that he will blame that drunken father/mother for the rest of his life! It doesn’t even involve your own responsibility! He doesn’t even know how he could change, since he hasn’t learned how to. “And he doesn’t even know that he should learn!”

There people who beat their wife, perhaps their husband, or their children. Unfortunately, domestic violence is a daily occurrence
at homes. It is very shocking and terrifying that some people live their life being physically abused. In the community, let it be school or workplace, you have to hide your injuries from everyone. The abused adult is also completely helpless, she/he cannot leave the relationship, excuses the abuser and takes the responsibility: – In fact, she is the bad one, she deserves what she gets. – In the family, however, the child is the one who is really vulnerable. He is being beaten and no one is protecting him! He has no one to turn to. If the mother were to stand up for him, it is likely that she would also be beaten by the abuser. The situation seems quite hopeless. The tragedy is that the abused person, in most cases, becomes an abuser! As a child, for example, they might look for a weak, vulnerable child at school on whom they can take a revenge. They may not become aggressive until adulthood, and then they will have temper management problems. Men continue this line in greater numbers. The majority of women, growing up in such a family, will most likely to live in an abusive relationship. There is no pattern in front of them, how to get out of this and how to end it!

I also have a rather shocking, story: Once, a lady over thirty came to ask for help. As a child, she saw her father beating her mother almost every day. He wasn’t drunk, just to show his strengh. The soup is not hot enough, or too hot, or it hasn’t been mopped up etc. Let that woman know what her place is! This little girl also saw the neighbour beating up his wife. Mom’s sister was also beaten up and her friend’s father also beat his wife and older daughter at home. Therefore, she grew up in this “environment”. When her sister turned fifteen, their father started beating her too. When the little girl also grew up, dad had a really satisfying life, he could already beat three women! This lovely lady grew up like this, seeing no other example around her. Having said that after a few years, her first boyfriend beat her. He lived with her for years, she did not rebel as it was normal. Then the guy dumped her and looked for someone else. She also managed to move on, but her next partner also beat her. She moved out when he had beaten her so badly that she was hospitalized for weeks. Her healing took time;  it was difficult to recover from the incident, her friend was by her side, she helped her, take care of her, after  she recovered, she decided to change. She was even looking for a new job. She lived alone for a year or so, got herself together, got into a better physical and mental state. Then came a new relationship. She loved him, but she didn’t quite understand their relationship. They have been together for two years now, and she came to me because she felt that something was wrong, because this man does not beat her!!! “Maybe he doesn’t love her?” – Shock! Well, it wasn’t that hard to mess someone’s head up like that, was it? For years, she thought that beating was one of the forms of expressing love! It’s painful, but you can get used to it. It was always part of her everyday life…

It’s hard to find our own way. We are looking for what would make us happier and more satisfied, how we could live a harmonious life. And yet, somehow, nothing is good, we can’t find our place, dissatisfaction has become permanent, instead taking responsibility, accusations, denial, and anger make our life miserable! There is a solution though!

We can change, heal and put our lives in order. We can grow up! We can forgive, move on, let go of our grievances, as they only harm us! We need to stop blaming others! This can be a liberating feeling for us, we can be reborn through it. We can’t change the way we grew up! We acknowledge it, weep, and then we move on, because we are in control of our lives! Don’t let our past lame our adult life! If we take a good look at ourselves, we can realize how much we have. We have two hands, legs, see, hear, think, speak, we have basic physical health. So we just have to step up and do something for ourselves, not to neglect, but to recognize and process our mental injuries! Of course, we can ask for help and guidance for all of this. But no one will solve it for us! We have to decide: It’s time for a change! Get going and go on the road!

This is a lot of work on yourself, but you should know that everyone has to do this for themselves! But it’s worth it, try it! Do it for yourself! You deserve it! Live!