How can we say goodbye, how can we ease the time of leaving? What can we do to help? What can we ourselves do with the fear, the pain of loss? I would like to share some thoughts with you, in the hope that they may help you. Life is short! Or not? It depends on how you look at it. In general, 70-80 years may seem like a long time. But, if we put what we love first, we may already think otherwise. For example, summer! A 70-80 holidays? Or 70-80 Christmas Eve’s? Doesn’t it make it seem different?
The older we get, the more people we lose. Over 50, (if we are lucky, of course, not before), we start to lose parents, relatives, uncles, aunts, godparents, older family members, friends, acquaintances.
If you want to find out more about yourself and your childhood, ask your parents in time, they’ll be happy to tell you. Listen to them, they are usually happy to talk about the past. Let them reflect on their past, you can walk with them through their whole life, good or bad memories. Help them to forgive, to let go of their anger, their bad feelings about some of their memories. Be with them as much as you can! If not, you will regret later that you didn’t talk enough.You’re lucky if you have a good relationship with your parents, as you can learn a lot from each other about ageing, transition, passing away. You can follow them on their journey, watching them ageing, growing tired, perhaps sensing the inevitable. Ask them how they see, what they think and feel about death. Help them not to spend the rest of thier time in fear. Recall the beautiful moments of life together! Cry and laugh together about your stories and memories!
You must have made a lot of mistakes in your life, but what you can, try to put right it now. Talk about these things too! Forgive them and move on! Free the one who says goodbye, and free yourself! Let none of you have any burden of compliance! In the past, we all gave as much as we could, according to what we knew at that time. No more, no less. This is true of love, care, attention, good and bad alike. Everything happened as it was meant to happen!
If there is someone in the family who cannot or does not want to be present at the farewell, but you would like to tell them something that is important to you, write them a letter. Say what you need to say! Be gentle, of course, not vulgar. Remember that you can’t change the past, only apologise and forgive! It is true that the truth sets you free! It is never too late to forgive!
Talk about death, don’t make it taboo! This is not only necessary in the case of an illness, but also in general, because life is finite. It can help three generations to process, understand, accept and let go. You also need to talk to your children about death and passing. They too see their grandparents ageing, declining, becoming frail. There is no denying the end, because everyone dies. It helps if you have faith. Read up, put the idea of death to rest, because you can only help your child or a loved one if you are already dealing with it in the right way. Release their fears, calm them down.
And if a loved one is sick: listen to the sufferer’s fears, don’t drown their thoughts and fears by saying: you will get better, you won’t die, etc. just because you are uncomfortable or you can’t handle the situation, you can’t “handle” death! It is uncertain that positive thinking will work here! You can’t impose your own belief system! Accept that he may already feel that he has reached the end! If he is sick, maybe he has suffered enough to be able to say, – that’s enough, thank you, goodbye, – without feeling he owes us for staying. Rather, reassure him that, although it will be hard and he will be missed, you will manage without him, you will manage your tasks. We’ll always remember our loved one, we’ll miss him forever. Time will help us learn to live without him and with his absence. Talk about what he wants after his death, make sure you do. Learn to let go along the way if you have the opportunity. This will also help you to think about your own life, what you would like to happen and discuss it with your family.
If you don’t talk to your children and grandchildren about what to expect, especially if someone is already very ill, you are putting them through a much greater trauma than if you have a little time to prepare and say goodbye. Talk to them and answer all their questions. Depending on their age, meet the dying person, there is no need to hide the fact that they are dying! If the death is sudden for a loved one, but you have already talked about it, it will be much easier to bear, although you will only feel it when your eyes are no longer covered by grief. The first year is the hardest, as all the celebrations, events, shared experiences and activities will happen without them. You will probably always remember that this time last year you were with them, celebrating and rejoicing together.
Take your child to the funeral! The age of 8 – 10 may be appropriate, they may be able to understand and learn to deal with the situation. This is usually part of the farewell, the end of a life journey. Of course, you need to prepare them, tell them what will happen, how it will go. Stand a little more aside with him, reassure him that everything is happening as it should. Afterwards, you can talk about it for days, even weeks! Cry, rage together about the great loss, or laugh at a funny story you recall, depending on what you were talking about with the deceased.If you can deal with the loss, you will have nothing left but love.If you can’t cope with the grief, see a professional together.The basis of processing is to live, express and write out your feelings, as long as it works in you!
What is a good death? It’s best if you grow old, live a good life, still physically and mentally intact, and then around the age of ninety or a hundred, when you decide you’ve had enough, you’re tired, you go to sleep and you never wake up. But of course, unfortunately, that’s not the case, that’s not the general rule. If you are sick and in pain, or maybe you are no longer aware of yourself and only occasionally aware of your surroundings, or aware of the burden you are putting on your loved ones, it is difficult to wake up to this on a daily basis. It can make you bitter, angry and resentful, and helpless. It can also make many people mean and aggressive, capable of saying things to anyone that are frightening. Then there are times when someone suddenly has a heart attack or stroke and dies instantly, or is kept alive for weeks on machines, of course in the hope of recovery, and there are also possibilities in an accident. Or survive those and go on living with some serious disability, knowing there is no recovery, or not even knowing that. Or when one gets cancer and undergoes all the protocol treatments, endures the horrible ordeal and one’s life ends in pain. Well, that is very difficult and very thought-provoking. There is a reason why there is a debate about euthanasia! Who dies how, I believe, is something we have arranged for ourselves before we were born.We have to go through this journey as well as the process of birth. Hopefully, we will have someone by our side to help us alleviate fears and avoid great pain, so that we can sort everything out and bring closure to our earthly existence.
Everyone reacts differently, but the end of the journey is the same. We are born, we live, we die, no exceptions. Our life is one big journey, from A to B, where the destination is not the arrival, but the journey itself. It is up to you what you fill it with, whether you make yourself happy or unhappy! The length and the way of our lives are varied, individual, unique and unrepeatable!
There are also times when we have not yet sorted something out, and that doesn’t let us leave in peace. Dying is prolonged as the patient feels he or she has one more important thing to do. If possible, we must help them to do this!
I remember my mom telling me that my grandmother was a servant in a family. The woman of the house took advantage of her, humiliated her, treated her very badly. Then my grandmother couldn’t even stay with them for long, she left them and looked for another place. She was happy with the next family and stayed there until she married a few years later. Of course she told her husband and later her children her story. Years went by, she never thought about it again, they never talked about it again. Then, when my mother was a grown woman, they heard in the village that the old woman for whom my grandmother had served was dying. She was ” very much dying”, it was said, “but she can’t die”. Then the aunt’s daughter was sent for my grandmother and told that the old woman could not die. She told her daughter that she must first apologize to Juliska. My grandmother refused to go, she told her to die as she could, she didn’t care because what she had done to her was unforgivable. But the aunt didn’t die. They came again for my grandmother, but again she said no. Back home, the family told her to forgive her, it was a long time ago, whatever it was, get over it, let the old woman die! Finally, the daughter went to her mother herself to beg her to be merciful to her mother.So my grandmother finally had the heart to do it, because she felt sorry for her daughter. She went to them, gave them her forgiveness, accepted their apology and in doing so freed herself. The woman died the following day. My grandmother did not go to her funeral, but she made peace with her past and let go of her anger, even though she did not know it was still present.
Just like being born, living, dying is not easy or simple. But that is what we took on when we decided to be born to learn. Letting go of our fears would be very important! It is up to each of us to evolve, to make ourselves and our environment, better and to love! Above all, love!
Movies that are worth watching:
Coco: A very good approach for children! It is nice, gives some explanation about the concept of “the other side”. It helps to place the “dead” and gives hope for a reunion. The “soul” can be seen, we can meet again, someone is waiting on the other side, the “souls” find their way home. Everyone exists in some form as long as there is someone to remember them.
Sweet November: “You are my immortality! I can face anything if I know that you will always remember me like this!” To live before you die, to make the most of the short time you have, to make the best of it, to make yourself happy and joyful. And love, love!
P.S I love you!: I liked this film, I think it makes it easier to say goodbye. It’s imaginative, humorous, helpful, you can feel that the couple know each other well, the gift is smart, so they have anticipated where their beloved is going and what she will need. It takes you through different phases, both funny and sad, and then you come to the moment of farewell, which is somewhat easier after a while.
Stepmom: Good thoughts, ideas and actions about the children, although I don’t think I could have put up with what the mother did to the “stepmother” in the beginning. Still, remarkable!
I really liked it in The Intern, when the possibility of divorce came up in Jules’ (Anne Hathaway) mind, the prospect of being alone, not remarrying, sharing her fear of death with Ben (Robert De Niro), crying. She was not at peace with the thought, “I will be alone in my grave!” Her fear, however unrealistic it may seem, is valid, as it is the fear of death that she has. That’s what she ia afraid of, that’s what she thinks when she thinks about death, so it needs to be discussed! It’s not a ridiculous or silly thought, because we all think about it. None of our fears are stupid or wrong! It is an unknown territory, western culture teaches us nothing about dying, death, grief! Religions also tend to only scare us with hell. It’s good to have someone to talk to, to exchange opinions and ideas with, because we learn, we grow, our fears can disappear, because that’s the goal!