It was a warm summer day. My husband and I left home together for a work meeting. We didn’t get nervous, we got ready calmly, had breakfast, coffee and a chat. We are not usually late, we arrived on time.

We entered the building, walked to the elevator, the meeting was on the sixth floor. There were several people waiting for it. Suddenly, unusual feelings came over me. My face and hands went numb, my legs were shaking, I was gasping for air, and then a hot sweat broke out on my body. I was frightened.

– What could have happened? What is going on?

I didn’t understand. I asked my husband to come outside because I felt like there was not enough air and I was suffocating. He looked at me in shock, as we had never had such an experience together. We went outside, I took a few sips of water, wiped myself with a handkerchief and then I felt myself slowly coming back to myself.

– What’s wrong? he asked.

– I have no idea, I don’t understand myself. But anyway, it’s over, let’s go back.

As we entered the building and went back to the lift, the same feelings came over me again, perhaps a little more strongly. The feeling of a racing heartbeat added to the already scary sensations. Again I asked to go outside, I didn’t understand what was happening to me. We left, I walked out clinging to my husband.

Then he asked me outside:

– What’s wrong with you now? Are you that nervous? Or are you afraid of something?

– I don’t know.- I said.

I don’t know what’s wrong, I can’t think of anything that could cause it.

– You know what, let’s phone and tell them you can’t come up, let them come down! I’m sure it can be arranged.

– No, there is no way! You can’t put me in this position. No way. I’m gonna go back in, grit my teeth, breathe a little, wait for the elevator, and we’ll go up. I’ll go to the bathroom, get cleaned up and we can go in. I’m fine now.

– As you wish, let’s try.

We were on our way.

***

Vicus hated going to kindergarten.

She had two kindergarten teachers, Jutka and Zsuzsi. She didn’t like Aunt Jutka because she felt that she didn’t like her either! The weekdays were hard, the mornings were difficult  and the departures were seldom anything but joyful. But mother always woke her up, caressing her and being kind. She never had to rush or hurry. She could wash and dress herself in peace. When she was ready, she and Mum walked to nursery holding hands. As they approached, her fear and excitement grew.

– Who will be with us today? What is for lunch? – she thought.
We’ll only find out when they go through the big door. Changing at the small closet, putting on indoor shoes, and then peeping in through the hall door! And then you’ll see: Jutka!

– Mum, don’t leave me here! Take me home! Let me go with you! I don’t want to stay here! I beg you!

– You know I have to work. You can’t come with me.

– But, Mom, please.

– Sweetheart, you have to stay here, you’re in a good place, you’re looked after and you can play with the kids!

She just shook off the clingy little fingers and left. Vicus stared after her crying from the window until she disappeared around the corner. It took her a long time to calm down.

The morning passed well, they painted, sang, the weather was fine, they even went out to play in the yard. Lunch time came. Vicus was very picky and besides, mum cooked much better. There weren’t many dishes at nursery that she liked. She didn’t recognise today’s soup, she only ate a few spoons because it wasn’t very tasty. The second was pumpkin stew, she didn’t even try it because it smelled awful. Jutka saw that she had not eaten.

– Why don’t you eat? It’s delicious! Here, try it!

– I don’t want it! I don’t like it!

– By no means!- snapped Jutka’s voice.

– You must taste it!

Before she could protest, Jutka started to stuff the vegetable into her mouth. She swallowed a few spoons and then started to cry, so Jutka stopped feeding her. When she calmed down, she drank water so she wouldn’t have that awful taste in her mouth. At home, Mum would have said:

– Don’t drink so much!

Now there was nobody to talk to her, so he drank some more.

Lunch was over, it was time to sleep. The nursery assistant made up the bed, and everyone got under the blanket. Jutka told a story. Vicus couldn’t sleep, she was listening to the story. Then she felt she had to pee. She drank too much water.

– What should she do now? Should she tell to Jutka?

She didn’t dare! She was waiting for a long time. Then she courageously said she needed to go out. However, Jutka wouldn’t let her out! She was begging her, but it was no use. She cried herself to sleep.

When she woke up, she felt something was wrong. She peed her pants. Again! Just like last week, when Jutka said the spinach was so delicious that she had to taste it.

***

We got to the lift of course it was going up again, we had to wait for it to come down again and we could go.

I wondered what was wrong… I had breakfast, hunger couldn’t be the cause. It’s hot, but not so hot that it’s going to get me down. I drank some water. I was browsing my thoughts when my husband, taking a deep breath of air, said:

– Do you feel that canteen smell ?

– Yes! Yes, I can smell it!

A recognition flew across my body! Just like in the kindergarten! Smells like pumpkin pie. How many times Jutka had stuffed me with it in kindergarten! It was sickening to think about it.

A smell, or in this case a smell, took me right back to the time when it had happened to me.

I made myself aware that I was not at the nursery, I could go home if I wanted to, I didn’t have to eat anything I didn’t want to and I could even go to the toilet whenever I wanted. No one can stop me! When I thought this over, I felt the anxiety eases, my breathing and heartbeat normalise, the panic attack lessens and then stops completely.

By the time we got to the elevator, it was completely gone, everything was fine, I didn’t even need to go to the toilet.

However, in the event that I had not been able to identify this, my husband did not say it out loud, not finding out the cause, I would have been likely to have more blocks in the future. I might have felt anxious about tall buildings, elevators, or even meetings that might have brought on the same feelings.That’s how kinesiology works, it finds this buried, unresolved block, unblocks it and removes it. Such events, and similar ones in kindergarten, may not seem so to have great importance from outside, but from the point of view of a small child, at the mercy of an adult who treats him as she pleases, it can seem terrifying. These, and others are obstacles to keep our lives on track. We don’t even know we have them until something happens to activate them. Interestingly enough, since the release, Vicus also likes pumpkin soup and spinach. She no longer has any bad memories associated with the taste or smell.